Week Six of football promises some… football games!
That is, if Goodell’s bending over for the league’s owners and demanding that all players stand for the national anthem doesn’t result in an NFL Players Association strike and ends the football season early. We’re still trying to decide if it would be a mercy killing or not. Anyway, you’ve found your way here! Whether you’re a regular viewer of our YouTube channel or you like to stick to the wordy words here on the site, we’re glad you’re joining us on what we’re basically calling our bye week.
Alex is in Hawaii on his honeymoon and we didn’t think it fair to dock him an entire week of picks in our season-long bet. I (D.T.) am preparing for a week-long trip to New Orleans, and you can expect a new entry for Visitors Section on the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, much like my previous entry all about CenturyLink Field. Page is on the motherfucking ball like she always is, but we boys fucked up any chance of a real video this week. But, Page and I are doing our best to make some magic for you here in text form! So, let’s get to it, and we’ll be back to normal next week!
EAGLES at PANTHERS
D.T.: Last week, Carolina got themselves back on track with a win over Detroit, due in no small part to a fine showing from Kelvin Benjamin. Who I actually thought died or something, and had been replaced with a mannequin on two RC cars.
This week they’ve got the Eagles, who are coming off an absolutely punishing win over Arizona. No seriously. Like nine guys on Arizona’s squad left the field injured. Coming off a win like that, I have to give it to Philly, with Carson Wentz continuing stir envy in fans of teams still rolling out a quarterback who probably should have retired two years ago. Which I say of no team in particular, no sir.
Page: This is my game of the week. Two 4-1 teams going to battle, with Cam Newton playing like his usual self, and Carson Wentz with a tough front. Wentz will make some big throws again, but the Carolina defense will shut down the Eagles enough to win.
D.T.: Eagles | Page: Panthers
BEARS at RAVENS
D.T.: A couple of weeks ago, I would have said the Bears had a chance to add the Ravens to their notch of win. Singular. That one really weird win against the Steelers, which is now not so weird given what Jacksonville did to Pittsburgh last week. But, the Ravens have kinda bounced back and they secured a week 5 win against a Raiders football team clearly jostled by the temporary loss of Derek Carr. Now, I have no idea who could win this one. But we gotta choose, because that’s what this whole thing is about. So, uh… I’m gonna see what Page writes and copy her answer.
Page: Trubisky’s first road star will be challenging. Facing the Ravens defense with some serious power at safety, I think the Ravens pull off a win here.
D.T.: Ravens | Page: Ravens
BROWNS at TEXANS
D.T.: Deshaun Watson is a fucking revelation in the sport of pro football. He’s the QB I figured he might be coming into the pros, and I wish he were on another team that shall not be named at this time. Sorry Browns, but at least you’ve got the best seats in the house for this show.
Page: The Browns are starting a different quarterback this week, and the Texans have lost J.J. Watt. This could be an interesting game, but with Deshaun Watson playing well, I have no doubt that the Texans will come out ahead.
D.T.: Texans | Page: Texans
PACKERS at VIKINGS
D.T.: Vikings rising star Dalvin Cook is done for the season. Sam Bradford might need to accept that he should probably be done forever. The Vikings started out with such promise, and even though they secured a narrow win against the Bears last week, it’s damn hard not to see the rest of their season as anything other than an uphill battle. That battle starts with a giant green and yellow boulder in their path. One that, without much analyses needed, I don’t think they’ll get around.
Page: The Vikings may be without Bradford, but Keenum is playing well. I envision this as a matchup between Aaron Rodgers and the Vikings defense. Rodgers has a way of pulling wins out at the last minute, and I think he’ll do it again this week.
D.T.: Packers | Page: Packers
LIONS at SAINTS
D.T.: So, I’ll be in attendance for this one. I’m spending the week in New Orleans, and some great seats on the 45 yard line are one of the centerpieces of this much-needed get away. The Saints are coming off a bye so they’ll be nice and rested. And it’s always great to go into a bye after a blow-out win against an easy target like the Dolphins. I actually think the Saints could take this one over the Lions, who are coming off a narrow loss to Carolina. And I’m not just saying that because it’d be sad if I went to a Saints game and the home team lost.
Page: The Lions are coming off a tough home loss, with the Saints coming off a bye. The Adrian Peterson-less Saints seem to have found some rhythm, and I think they’ll continue to solidify that with a win at home.
D.T.: Saints | Page: Saints
DOLPHINS at FALCONS
Page: The Dolphins have serious offensive issues, which is a bad thing when going up against Dan Quinn’s Falcons squad. With Atlanta fresh off a bye, I expect Matt Ryan and crew to win this one.
D.T.: Falcons | Page: Falcons
PATRIOTS at JETS
D.T.: Uh… Patriots. I just want to take the time to thank the NFL for scheduling such shit games this week. It’s really saving me time to devote to packing and cleaning before getting on the plane Thursday.
Page: The Jets have been weirdly okay, with three straight wins. The Patriots defense is not in peak form, but I think Tom Brady will do what he does best, and the Jets will be the losers in this one.
D.T.: Patriots | Page: Patriots
NINERS at REDSKINS
Page: The Niners are on the road for a third straight game, with the Redskins coming off a bye. The Redskins have been playing decent enough football to roll over the Niners this week.
D.T.: No, seriously. These games couldn’t be happening on a better week. I mean, shit, if an NFLPA strike or something did happen over the current controversy, I doubt anyone in some of these markets would even notice the lack of football.
D.T.: Redskins | Page: Redskins
CARDINALS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: And I knew that last joke was going to bite me in the ass. Arizona’s so bad that they just traded a conditional pick for Adrian Peterson. The Saints wanted him so little that they basically gave him away just to be done with him. And an aging offensive player with a history of injuries and next to nothing left in the tank is exactly what Arizona needs… to complete their collection of aging offensive players with histories of injuries and next to nothing left in the tank. Speaking of tanks… I should really pay close attention to next year’s class of Quarterbacks draft prospects. So I can know who to sob over when Arizona uses their top 5 pick to get another fucking pass rusher. “Best athlete available” is stupid, kids.
Page: Both teams are coming off a loss, but the Bucs have 10 days off before this matchup, while the Cardinals were blown out in Philly. I think the Buccaneers take this one.
D.T.: Buccaneers | Page: Buccaneers
RAMS at JAGUARS
D.T.: The Spooky Bowl! Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m saying it, but in a week such as this, I’m inclined to make it my Game of the Week. I never know what either of these teams are going to do. Will the Jags get blown out, or will they catch 73 interceptions and 54 pick sixes? Will Fournette have a quiet game, or will he straight murder that Rams defense and have another explosive showing? I don’t know. I can’t predict what sort of game the Rams will have, either. Two great defenses and two offenses that have found their mojo. This is the first game this week I’m genuinely excited about, and I’m inclined to give it to the absolutely unpredictable Jags!
Page: Both of these teams are having a solid season so far, so I expect this will be an interesting game. After the Rams lost a tiring physical battle against Seattle, I think the Jaguars capitalize on that and walk away 4-2.
D.T.: Jaguars | Page: Jaguars
STEELERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: Pittsburgh, you don’t throw the football to Jacksonville give times for two pick sixes, get utterly decimated, then come back and beat a 5-0 Chiefs team. It’s just not gonna happen. I hope Page has something special planned to raise the spirits of her Steelers fan of a husband. He’s having a bad month…
Page: The Chiefs are playing excellent football, and are the last undefeated team in the league. The Steelers are coming off a tough loss to the Jaguars. I suspect it’ll be close, but I think the Chiefs train keeps rolling and they’ll be 6-0 at the end.
D.T.: Chiefs | Page: Chiefs
CHARGERS at RAIDERS
D.T.: With Derek Carr’s situation still hazy, predicting the Raiders showing this week is difficult. I’m still leaning towards Oakland though, given that the Chargers only just won their first game of the season last week, and it had to be against the 0-5 Giants. Who, by the way, just lost the only thing really working on their offense in Odell Beckham Jr. You might be one of millions of fans this season cheering for a garbage team. I know I am. But at least some of us don’t have to suffer through what New York is experiencing right now. I mean, god damn.
Page: The Raiders are having serious defense issues, and they might be without Derek Carr this week. This is my upset pick of the week, with the Chargers finding a way to win.
D.T.: Raiders | Page: Chargers
GIANTS at BRONCOS
D.T.: Oh, shit. Okay, instead of saying more bad things about the Giants, let me try and spin this in a positive light. If the Giants go 0-6 you fine, devote fans might finally be free of Head Coach, Ben McAdoo.
And you’ve got a high draft pick to look forward to. If New York’s next General Manager is smart, he’ll throw his hat in with a nice new Quarterback to replace Eli Manning who, by all accounts, should most definitely retire this year. He looks more miserable than five Jay Cutlers in a vaccination clinic. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that Denver is going to straight fucking murder New York, but it’s going towards putting out of their collective misery a lot of things holding New York back.
Page: The Giants are without OBJ, and Denver is coming off a bye. This game could be ugly, but Manning’s team is struggling and I think Denver gets a win here.
D.T.: Broncos | Page: Broncos
COLTS at TITANS
D.T.: Good on Miami last week. With Mariota out and the box stacked against DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry, all it really took was containing Matt Cassel’s ability to throw the football. Which isn’t a terribly difficult task. A similar situation and game plan could be fortuitous for the Colts, even if their run defense isn’t as good as that of Miami. And what the hell: it’s fair to say Jacoby Brissett is already twice the quarterback Cassel is. I’m jumping off the Titans hype train until Mariota is back and running full steam again.
Page: The Titans may have lost two straight games, but the Colts are without Luck still, and the Titans may get Mariota back. I think the Titans find a way to break the losing streak and equalize the win column, going 3-3 on the season with a Win.
D.T.: Dolphins | Page: Titans
And that’s Week 6 in a nutshell. A very large nutshell!
Again, we thank you guys for making the slight adjustment to reading this week instead of listening to our sweet, harmonious voices. I’ve been saying that we’ll be back in full force for Week 7, but… I just realized that I (D.T.) will still be in NOLA next week. Shit! Maybe we can figure something out, or maybe Page and Alex will hold down the fort and put together a video? Only the future knows! Leave your comments on this article below, or resign yourself to telling us we’re terrible on YouTube! Love you lots!