“Aloha Alex!” – NFL Week 5

Football enters its fifth week! Watch this week’s video HERE!

And what a shitty week of football it is. Well, half of it anyway. We’ve got some potential disasters happening on Sunday, including the Niners and Colts and the Jets and Browns. But as Sunday progresses, some of the afternoon games have real potential! Fare more potential than this opening paragraph did, anyway!


So… yeah. That Patriots defense made the 2017 Carolina Panthers look like the 2015 Carolina Panthers. Then Cam Newton went out of his way to tarnish the positive buzz around the team in their win.

NFL wee k5 football picks
Behold the face of entitled, ignorant dumbfuckery.

That New England defense needs to step it up if they hope to stand against the Buccaneers this week. They’ll be welcoming back their feature running back, who’ll be fresh after his suspension. Will the Pats pull out a win? We think so.

D.T.: Patriots | Alex: Patriots | Page: Patriots


Browns, you screwed me over. You could have beaten the Bengals helped keep me out of whatever horrible jersey my friends are going to make me wear next year. But no. So now no one trusts you.

D.T.: Jets | Alex: Jets | Page: Jets


I was going with the Lions this week anyway, but Newton’s jackass antics made the choice all the more easy. We’re a bit split on this one, but I think the Lions defend the home turf this week against a Panthers squad that’s probably a little lax after a win against the Super Bowl Champs on an off week. Page is sticking with me, and Alex is the contrarian!

D.T.: Lions | Alex: Panthers | Page: Lions


Page calls this one her garbage game of the week. And why not? The Niners looked like they might be stoking the flames after that historic Thursday night game against the Rams, but maybe it was a fluke after all. The Colts, however continue to be hopeless and unable to produce without Andrew Luck. I fell asleep twice while writing about this game.

D.T.: Niners | Alex: Niners | Page: Niners


Marcus Mariota suffered a hamstring injury in their loss to the Texans last week, and as such, Tennessee has signed… Brandon Weeden as a likely fill-in this week?

NFL week 5 football picks
Behold the face of… anonymity.

So what this means is that Tennessee’s success likely hinges on the ability of their running backs to perform. And since they’ve got one of the best backfields in football and the Dolphins have a fairly anemic defense… The guys are going Titans, and Page is making the brave choice and going with Miami. Bless her heart.

D.T: Titans | Alex: Titans | Page: Dolphins


Okay Bills, you win. We’ve teased, blown off and borderline harrassed the Bills this season for being a pile of shit. But, they’re a pile of shit that keeps winning games and is currently at the top of their division. We don’t fully comprehend it, but we’re willing to bank on it.

NFL week 4 football picks
Like people who give money to crowdfunding!

So, we’re going with the team who may surprise us more. Because the Bengals are pretty damn predictable — football game against the Browns notwithstanding.

D.T.: Bills | Alex: Bills | Page: Bills


Officially the worst game of the week, simply because… well, these are the two worst teams in the league. I mean, my god, the fucking Colts have managed to win even one game.

NFL week 5 football picks
And Jim Irsay had to sacrifice two children and a goat to get that win.

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if this game ended in a tie. In fact, that might actually be more interesting than seeing either of these teams find a way to actually suck more. But we have to pick a winner so…

D.T.: Chargers | Alex: Chargers | Page: Chargers


Jacksonville, you’re spooky this year… but you’re not Bills level spooky, where there’s a measurable risk in choosing you. The Steelers are back on track, and you’re just a notch in the win column.

D.T.: Steelers | Alex: Steelers | Page: Steelers


Arizona’s showing all kinds of flatness and lack of heart. Last week’s football game against the Niners was a real chance to bounce back. Instead, they traded field goals in game that would put a caffeine-guzzling speed addict to sleep. And they needed fucking overtime to wrap things up.

NFL week 5 football picks
And this guy bailing them out… again.

It’s usually a fun game when these two bird teams get together. That’s the most we can hope for here, but none of us are expecting Arizona to stop the Eagles on their home field.

D.T.: Eagles | Alex: Eagles | Page: Eagles


Oh my god, we found an interesting football game this week. And it could actually be a doozy! The Rams are currently leading the NFL in scoring and firing on all cylinders. They’re looking to finally earn some fans by beating a divisional rival at home. And we kind of think they’re gonna do it. They simply look better and are performing better than their struggling Seattle rivals.

D.T.: Rams | Alex: Rams | Page: Rams


And we’re on the decline again. The only thing making this game particularly interesting is the absence of Derek Carr, who suffered a transverse process fracture last week. That bumps up EJ Manuel into the starting role until he recovers. The good news for Raiders fans is that Manuel is a serviceable back-up QB with a good team around him. The bad news for Ravens fans is that their team is the Ravens.

D.T.: Raiders | Alex: Raiders | Page: Raiders


Another diamond in the rough this week. Two prolific offenses going head to head and hopefully satiating our desire for some halfway decent football on Sunday. Despite their shortcomings and strange lack of chemistry, both Alex and I are sticking with the Cowboys to win at home. Mostly because that Packers defense is so weird and full of holes. Page is going Packers this time, and her gambles this week are making Ron Rivera look like John Fox.

D.T.: Cowboys | Alex: Cowboys | Page: Packers


Going 4-0 in the NFL is no easy feat. It’s my reasoning (and our unanimous opinion) that it’s way less daunting to try and maintain that perfect record than it is to go against that team. Even if you did score 57 points in week 4. The Chiefs were shut down pretty hard by the Redskins defense last week, but I expect them to rectify mistakes and make a bold statement this time around.

NFL week 5 football pics
And for people to remember that, oh yeah, Tyreek Hill exists!

D.T.: Chiefs | Alex: Chiefs | Page: Chiefs


Week 5 wraps up with a somewhat pedestrian game on Monday night. The Vikings – still sans Bradford – play Chicago a visit. The Bears are also struggling with their Quarterback situation, having announced that rookie play-caller Mitch Trubisky will making his first career start.

NFL week 5 football picks
If forearm girth is any indication of talent…

What that tells us is that the Vikings defense have a chance to control this game and lead Minnesota to a divisional victory. I could write some jokes for this game but… I mean, I’m honestly hoping this game isn’t a joke in and of itself.

We out, fam!

Hit up the fancy new comments below and let us know if we’re way off mark (again) or if you think we’re kicking all sorts of fucking ass up in this thing. We love you as always.

D.T. Carel

Lover of movies, football, beer and games.

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