NFL Picks – Week 1 – “Mediocrity Monorail”

Sweet mother of all that is holy, football is BACK.

Check the weekly Youtube video for a solid hour of entertainment, then come back and use this article as your guide to football prediction glory!

After what seemed like an endless off-season without football, the NFL has finally returned in true, meaningful fashion. The season kicks off Thursday night with reigning champions, the New England Patriots, taking on the reigning… uh, members of the AFC West, the Kansas City Chiefs!

NFL week one football picks
“We’re out of shelf space! Who wants this one?!”


You gotta start football off with the Super Bowl champs. It’s tradition. And what better way for the winningest Quarterback in NFL history to start things off than taking on a stout Kansas City defense lead by Eric Berry. By probably beating them, of course.

DT: Patriots • Page: Patriots • Alex: Patriots


And what better way to kick off the first Sunday than with the two teams in the league actively trying to out-self-fuck the other?

NFL week one football picks
Todd, call a time out on your career and come back to AZ.

Both of these teams have liquidated their rosters and are tanking as hard as possible. Whoever wins, everyone loses.

DT: Bills • Page: Bills • Alex: Bills


Likely to make up the lower half of the NFC East, these two teams begin their competition for third place. Carson Wentz hopes to bring back the magic of the first half of his first season, and Kirk Cousins will look to put together a solid season to shop himself for a contract with a better team.

NFL week 1 football picks
[“You like that” joke.]
DT: Redskins • Page: Redskins • Alex: Eagles


Oh, this is just unfortunate. The NFC champs take on the perpetually struggling Bears. Significant losses on both sides of the ball are going to make this season particularly difficult for Chigaco. The Falcons, on the other hand, are largely unchanged and are going to be playing with a chip on their shoulder after that embarrassing Super Bowl loss.

D.T.: Falcons • Page: Falcons • Alex: Falcons


Two very interesting teams to watch this season. It’s this writers honest opinion that, had Derek Carr not busted his leg, the Raiders would have gone deep in the playoffs. He’s back, they’ve added Marshawn Lynch, and Oakland is a team with a fire in their bellies. On the flipside, Mariota is coming into his own as the face of the Titans and they’re growing into a team on the road to potential greatness. Both teams have something to prove. But it’s unanimous: Oakland takes this one.

D.T.: Raiders • Page: Raiders • Alex: Raiders


This is being written on a week day. Ain’t nobody got time for this. I don’t, and you don’t. And frankly, neither does that Texans defense.

NFL week one football picks
“Just give me the ball Jaguars, and I’ll make it hurt less.”

D.T.: Texans • Page: Texans • Alex: Texans


It’s nice of the NFL to give us one less choice of which game to midday game to watch.

D.T.: Steelers • Page: Steelers • Alex: Steelers


Marvin Lewis is still the head coach of the Bengals? Great. Another season of horribly misusing Gio Bernard, not being able to reign in Vontaze Burfict (who is suspended, surprising no one), and wild card at best.

NFL week one football picks.
“Wild card? That’s my favorite kind of card!”

It’s gonna be the Ravens. Alex is a crazy person.

D.T.: Ravens • Page: Ravens • Alex: Bengals


This one ended up being cancelled. It’s for the best. With all the troubles the area is dealing with right now (sending love your way, Florida), the last thing they need is to watch Jay Cutler Cutler his way through week one, and dream of what could have been if Tannehill hadn’t been injured.

D.T.: Bucs • Page: Bucs • Alex: Bucs


Lions fans largely believe this could be their year. The belief is that they’ve got the most complete team they’ve had in ages, and Stafford – the newest King of Contracts – will lead them to victory. I don’t see it. I still see an anemic receiver corps and a running game that runs backwards as much as they run forwards.

NFL week one picks.
“An end zone is an end zone, man.”

Though the Cardinals don’t instill much confidence, either. Aside from a few key draft picks and free agency signings with potential, many of Arizona’s problems went unaddressed in the off-season. You should always be excited and hopeful for your team’s season (unless you’re a Jets/Bills/Browns fan), but both of these fanbases should be cautious.

D.T.: Cardinals • Page: Cardinals • Alex: Cardinals


No Luck means no Colts. Sorry, Indy. That Rams defense is going feast in a low-scoring affair. Alex, you crazy.

D.T.: Rams • Page: Rams • Alex: Colts


Super Cam returns with good friends Greg Olsen and Kelvin Benjamin, and new addition Christian Effing McCaffrey. The Niners have acquired Pierre Garcon, but he’ll have Brian “Which team am I on this year?” Hoyer throwing to him, and a liability of an offensive line.

NFL week one football picks
“Hold my beer while I get another holding call.”

This isn’t going to go well for San Francisco.

D.T.: Panthers • Page: Panthers • Alex: Panthers


Without a doubt, The Second Draft’s GAME OF THE WEEK!

NFL week one football picks
“Oh, whoopty-fuckin’-doo.”

It’s always explosive and controversial when these two teams play, and they rarely play harder than when they meet up. Aside from the action on the field, I can’t wait for endless discussion on what a catch is! Seattle’s Legion of Boom defense will be thunderous, attempting to hold back Aaron Rodgers who’s looking to best last year’s playoff run. Who comes out on top this time around? It’s in Green Bay. The season opener. Against an unofficial rival. Green Bay is going to be fierce.

D.T.: Packers • Page: Packers • Alex: Packers


Everyone’s high on the Giants this year. And with fair cause! They picked up Brandon Marshall who, lined up opposite Odell Beckham Jr., will be giving Cornerbacks fits. Eli Manning should have a great season, since it’ll take two shutdown corners to effectively stop that passing game, and who in the NFL can say they have that?

NFL week one football picks
“Cornerback? What’s that? It sound neat!”

The Cowboys, however, are deadly. They’ve still got the best offensive line in football, and for week one at least, they’ll have Ezekiel Elliot. Dak Prescott will look to avoid a sophomore slump, and Dez Bryant, Jason Witten and Cole Beasley are going to help him out. As good as the Giants look right now, the Cowboys will be the better team. This week, anyway.

D.T.: Cowboys • Page: Giants • Alex: Cowboys


A deceptively interesting football game, in my opinion. On paper, this doesn’t look like a stellar match-up. The Saints will be without Brandin Cooks who’s now sporting red, white and blue in New England. They’ll also be sans Willie Snead who went and got himself suspended on account of a pesky thing called a DUI. However, Brees is always on and he’ll be working extra hard with a diminished receiver corps.

NFL week one football picks
“It’s a contract year, baby. I gots to get PAAAAID.”

But I think the Vikings defense will take advantage of a Saints offense that will be struggling to find an identity. Expect a low-scoring affair and a Minnesota win to break in their new arena.

D.T.: Vikings • Page: Vikings • Alex: Saints


Week one wraps up with an AFC West showdown on Monday Night Football! The Broncos had a weird off-season. Their quarterback situation is so up in the air that Brock Osweiler has found himself being welcomed back after washing out in both Houston and Cleveland. Yeah. Let that weird shit sink in for a minute. And John Elway saw fit to let go of TJ Ward, causing Broncos fans to question his mindset.

NFL week one football picks
“I like ice cream!”

The Chargers are a team that looks good on paper and produces in fantasy football, but never really pull it together in a meaningful way in the NFL. Joey Bosa should have a good night against a confused Quarterback group, but we’re still willing to give the Broncos the benefit of the doubt, even if that defense has to do all the heavy lifting.

D.T.: Broncos • Page: Broncos • Alex: Broncos

And that’s week one in the bank!

Do you think we’re on the money with our week one picks? Think we’re way off the mark and Page should stop drinking hard liquor before looking at the schedule! Sound off in the comments, or hit our FORUMS as hard as harsh reality will hit Jets fans this week!

D.T. Carel

Lover of movies, football, beer and games.

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